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Jokes, stories, cartoons and any other funny stuff about bands, music, gigs etc. We'll publish anything which we think is funny (and won't get us into trouble). Although I doubt it will make much difference, bear in mind that (i) we're still trying to recruit drummers and (ii) our webmaster is a baritone player!
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Cornet JokesWhy do trumpets look bigger than cornets? They're actually the same size, but cornet players have bigger heads. How do you get two soprano players to be play in time? Shoot one of them. Q: How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 6, 1 to screw it in and 5 others to say they can do it better. |
Drummer JokesWhat do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. Why are concert intervals limited to 20 minutes? So that you don't have to re-train the drummer. How do you know that there's a drummer at the door? The knocking speeds up. What's the difference between a drummer and a Dr Scholl's foot pad? The foot pad bucks up the feet, whilst... Two drummers walk past a bar...well it could happen! |
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Baritone JokesWhat's the difference between a baritone and a drum kit? Baritones take longer to burn. What instrument does the most stupid member of a band play? Drums...but if that's too hard, they could always try a baritone. Why don't baritone players play hide and seek? No one will look for them. Why is the baritone the most divine instrument? Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out. What's the difference between a baritone and a trampoline? You take your shoes OFF to jump on a trampoline... How do you save a drowning baritone player? Take your foot off their head. |
Bass JokesHow do you get four bass players into a mini? Answer: Two in the front and two in the back. How do you get the rest of the band in a mini?? Answer:Take the bass players out and put them in the boot.. What time is it when a bass player sits on your fence? Answer: TIME TO GET A NEW FENCE. What's the range of a tuba? About twenty yards, if you've got a good arm. |
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Trombone JokesHow many trombone players does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but it will take them half an hour to get in the correct position. What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chainsaw? Vibrato. What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone that can play a trombone, but doesn't. What's the definition of the term 'perfect pitch'? This term is used, if you can throw a trombone into a skip, without it hitting the sides! |
Euphonium JokesThere is a man walking down the road with a euphonium made out of rubber. What is he looking for? A rubber band. |
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Tenor Horn JokesHow do you know a concert stage is level... The Horns all dribble from both sides of their mouths. |
MiscellaneousWhat do musicians take to the supermarket? A Chopin-Liszt. Why did the orchestra get closed down? Too much sax and violins. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe. A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah", the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a trombonist, and when she got back her roommate asked her how it was. "Horrible" she replied. "His tongue was far too vicious, and his hands were up and down, up and down, all over my body." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and on her return the roommate asked the same question. "Ugh!", the girl exclaimed, "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh it was just gross!". The next night she went out with a French Horn player. "How was this one?" asked the roommate. "Well", the girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so and he took AGES to get prepared for it; but I loved the way he held me!" |  |
Browsers may be interested in this news item sent to Radio 4's News Quiz by a listener who spotted it in "Music Business" magazine. It was drolly retold by Linda Smith.
"The bass trombonist, Paulo Esperanza by name, of a Uruguayan symphony orchestra thought he would make his own contribution to the cannon shots that were to form part of their performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. He placed a large ignited fire cracker, containing the equivalent of a quarter of a stick of dynamite, inside the aluminium straight mute of his double-valve bass trombone and inserted it into the bell of his instrument. Later, from his hospital bed, he explained that he thought the bell of his trombone would shield him from the effects of the explosion and focus the blast outwards. In his haste to get his horn up before the fire cracker went off, he failed to elevate the bell enough to give the mute sufficient arc to clear the orchestra. It shot through the woodwind and viola sections, narrowly missing players, and slammed into the conductor's midriff, knocking him off his platform and into the auditorium. The folding chairs in the front row collapsed, setting off a domino effect that toppled row after row of chairs. Back on stage, the explosion of the fire cracker sent a jet of super-heated gas through the trombone to propel the slide like a spear through the orchestra and into the head of an unsuspecting third clarinettist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull."
Submit your own jokes for inclusion on this page to the Webmaster. If they're any good, or I'm just feeling generous, they'll appear on the site soon.
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